


The Haunting of Ray's Ass – an Epic Tale of Love, Death and Buttocks

by Moonloon (maryavatar)



Category: due South
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-10
Updated: 2011-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-27 04:16:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maryavatar/pseuds/Moonloon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the ds_flashfiction badfic 2 challenge.  So, Vecchio is a ghost (because he got killed by the Mob in Los Vegas) and he comes back to Chicago to kill Frasier so thety can live together in Heaven, but in a bazaar twist of Fate, an Angel finds out his plan and dooms him to haunt Kowlaski's ass!!1!! The Gay Cult tells Kowlaski that the only way to exorcise Vecchio is to have sex with a virgin. Oh noes! Luckily Fraser steps up to bat. (He didn't have sex with Victoria the Deif-Shooter because he was so burdend by his guilt about imprisioning her that he couldn't get it up.) Ends OT3. \o/!!!!!1!11!@!1 Warnings for major character death and ghosts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Haunting of Ray's Ass – an Epic Tale of Love, Death and Buttocks

"Well, shit," Ray Vecchio said, as he watching his brains slide down the parking garage wall.

"INDEED," said a tall pasty guy in a hooded tracksuit, carrying a lawnmower.

Dead!Ray blinked and tried to think of something to say. He failed.

The guy, Death, rolled his eyes. "I UPDATED A FEW THINGS. DO YOU THINK IT WORKS?"

Dead!Ray pointed at the wall, "My brain is over there. And there."

"FINE," Death said. "NO ONE EVER GIVES ME AN HONEST ANSWER, IT'S ALWAYS 'OMG, I TOTALLY JUST DIED, OMG OMG! SHIRLEY, YOU BITCH, YOU KNEW I WAS ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH!'"

"Uh huh," Dead!Ray said.

Death made a face, "ANYWAY, TO BUSINESS. YOU GET THREE OPTIONS: 1. HEAVEN. APPARENTLY YOU WERE NICE TO CHILDREN AND SMALL ANIMALS, AND ACCORDING TO CURRENT GUIDELINES THAT OUTWEIGHS ALL THE FORNICATING AND SWEARING. 2. REINCARNATION. ALTHOUGH WHY ON EARTH YOU'D WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN ESCAPES ME. AND 3. YOU CAN HANG AROUND HERE UNTIL YOUR BELOVED DIES/YOU'RE AVENGED/ETC AND YOU MOVE ON TOGETHER.

"I'm not ready to go yet, I have to ch..."

"NUMBER THREE IT IS THEN," Death said, and vanished.

"Well, shit," Dead!Ray said, and wandered off in search of a cab.

~

Fraser blinked up at the sky. "Ray, what happened?"

Ray picked himself up, "A piano almost fell on your head."

"That seems… improbable," Fraser said.

"Tell me about it," Ray replied, dusting off his jeans. "That's the fourth time this week I've shoved you out of the way of something trying to kill you." Ray squinted at Fraser suspiciously. "Have you pissed off any religions recently? Because this feels a lot like smiting."

~

Dead!Ray was using all his ectoplasmic muscles to spill rat poison over the herbal tea bags in the break room when he heard someone shout.

"Oi! Dead-boy! What the fuck are you doing?"

Dead!Ray turned around and a tall bald man who seemed to be held together by tattoo ink loomed over him. "You can see me?"

"I'm an angel, I see everything."

Dead!Ray looked the guy up and down. "Uh huh."

"Yeah yeah yeah, you bought into the church's PR thing. Don't be fooled; angels are the Lord's ass-kickers. Now what were you doing with poison and herbal tea bags?"

"Look, you guys really need to have a word with Death, he screwed up my afterlife. I just needed to check up on my family, and then I was good to go. But no… now I'm stuck here. I can't touch anything, I can't talk to anyone, I can't eat, fuck, change my clothes, nothing. I'm going insane. The deal was I get avenged or I wait for my beloved to die? Avenged – easy, the guy who shot me was arrested and got shanked in lock-up. Done deal. Now I have to wait for my beloved to die? I don't have a beloved – my ex-wife is more of a 'tolerated' than a beloved, and the closest I got to a beloved is already dead, so the next best thing is Benny, and I'm really bored waiting. The sooner he dies, the sooner I can go to Heaven."

"You know if you were still alive, this would disqualify you from Heaven." The Angel said.

"Well, I've already been judged, so fuck you. I can do what I want."

The Angel's eyes narrowed. "Actually, no you can't."

There was a bright flash and everything burned for a moment. "Well, shit." Dead!Ray said as everything faded away.

~

Ray woke up slowly, the blissful feeling of a Saturday off washing over him. He reached down to give his morning wood a friendly hello and…

"Oh, Hell no!" Dead!Ray yelled.

Ray fell out of bed. "What the…" There was a moment's silence while Ray went pale and his hard on deflated. "Vecchio? Aren't you dead?"

"Yes, dead and now cursed. To haunt your ass. Which I thought was a figure of speech, but apparently not – I can't move more than three feet away from your asshole. And, apparently, you're the only thing I can touch."

Ray scrambled away from the bed, causing Dead!Ray to stumble through it.

"Hey, quit it!" Dead Ray said, and flicked Ray's ear.

"Ow!" Ray reached over to grab the jeans he'd dropped on the floor the night before. "Oh, we so need to talk to Fraser about this."

~

Despite Dead!Ray only being visible to Ray, Fraser was not hard to convince.

~

"These are not enlightened religious… people," Ray hissed, "This is a Cult! Of really fruity froot loops."

"Nonsense, Ray," Fraser replied. "These gentlemen are simply very devout, studious and… erm… secure in their masculinity."

Dead!Ray kept his eyes shut. One of the acolytes was rubbing unguent into himself and staring at Fraser in a really disturbing way.

The High Priest of the Reddened Starfish (also known as Wade Hornblatt) emerged from the holy smoke. "Ray, dude. Haunted ass – you need to make a sacrifice."

Ray waved away a cloud of something he was trying really hard not to recognise. "I'm not killing anyone."

"No, man, no… no killing. It's sybollock… symbolic. Virgin sacrifice, the Little Death. Get it?" Priest Wade fell over onto the acolyte and started snuggling.

~

Ray paced across his living room floor, ignoring Dead!Ray's protests and ear flicks. "Bone a virgin. Great. Except where the Hell am I going to find a virgin? I don't know any virgins over 14."

Fraser winced. "Ah, I may be able to help you there."

"You know a virgin?" Ray asked.

"Actually…" Fraser went bright red, "… I am a virgin."

Dead!Ray stopped following Ray's ass and got yanked off his feet. "No way – I know he had that poisonous bitch Victoria."

Ray looked down. "Victoria?" Fraser's blush got brighter. Ray nodded understandingly. "Scary girl parts?"

Fraser shrugged. "Well, some guilt too. Erectile dysfunction can have many causes."

Ray twitched. "Don't say stuff like that. Making sex sound all medical does not get me in the mood. Now drop your pants while I get the Vaseline, we've got a ghost to exorcise!"

Dead!Ray starting kicking Ray. Mostly because he felt like kicking the crap out of someone, although he blamed it on Ray's crude deflowering technique.

~

"Ack!" Ray said, sliding in a bit.

"Oh!" Fraser said, flexing his buttocks.

"Oh dear God, no." Dead!Ray moaned, making the sign of the cross and wondering if ghosts could vomit.

Then Ray came, Fraser didn't, and they had to start again.

~

Finally! Two hours later, Ray successfully nailed Fraser.

Dead!Ray was still there.

"Well, shit," Ray said.

"Yeah," Dead!Ray said.

"I have an idea," Fraser said. "I've never penetrated anyone. I'm still a virgin at the front."

Ray hid his face in his hands. "I'm going to need some vodka. And some Viagra. And more Vaseline."

~

Dead!Ray was slightly less disturbed by Fraser pumping into Ray. Even though the three feet between himself and Ray's asshole make it a little snug. Ray's constant moans of 'OMG, Fraser, you're huge, don't shove it in so hard' and 'Harder! Harder, dammit!' and 'Nnnnargh! Prostate gland! Right there' were actually kind of hot.

Right about that point, Dead!Ray realised that he could pass right through Fraser, and slide his ghostly cock into Ray's stretched open asshole, and Ray probably wouldn't even notice.

He didn't though, because that would be naughty.

He thought about it kind of a lot though. Until Ray and Fraser finished. Which was a while, because they'd already come twice during the Ray-on-top part of the day, and they weren't exactly young any more. Thank God for Viagra.

~

"Dead!Ray still here?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Got any virginities left?"

"My mouth?"

"Pass the Viagra."

~

At some point over the next week, they realised the High Priest was a moron. But they kept fucking, just in case.


End file.
